I don’t have anything against dogs. Really, I don’t. But much to my dismay, dogs have always had it in for me.

There are some dogs that totally adore me, wanting nothing more from life than to eternally lick me on the lips and hump my leg with wild abandon. But by far the majority of the dog population is fascinated with the idea of how I would taste. There are no Suzie-neutral dogs, none that are indifferent to my presence. Dogs either love me madly or they think my guts would look good spread across the living room floor.

Most people think I hate dogs. It’s become a popular pass-time to ridicule me about it. I’m accused of kicking dogs that I haven’t even met (but probably deserve kicking). I’m put in a category with puppy drowners and heartless clods that don’t cry over those sappy Lassie movies. Well, it’s not true that I hate dogs, at least not ALL dogs. And even if it is true, THEY STARTED IT, not me!!!

I don’t know why dogs feel so passionately about me. I only know that it’s true worldwide. I’ve been attacked on 6 different continents. I was almost Suzie-sushi in Singapore recently. And I’m not talking about just stray misfit mad-dogs. Oh, no. Just as often it’s a dog described by their owners (as they try to pull precious Fido off of me) as the gentlest beast that ever shamelessly pooped on the face of the earth (or my good rug). And, so I’ve been repeatedly told, ‘widdle sweetums’ had never mauled so much as a flee before lunging at my throat. Why in the world (and all over the world) is it always ME?

This worldwide phenomenon is what leads me to the quite logical conclusion that dogs, unlike people, have one universal language that they all understand and use to communicate with each other globally. Think about it! It makes sense! I’m positive that if you put a Chinese Latso Opsa or Umpa Lumpa (or whatever they are called) in the room with a Scottish terrier that unlike their human counterparts they would understand each other instantly. No bow-wow translation needed.

Granted, there would probably be some minor trouble with accents and pronunciation, but nothing major. And I would expect some cultural differences to show up in conjugation and syntax errors. A ‘yelp’ that means one thing to an English bulldog, might mean another thing to say, an American golden retriever - similar to me getting cookies for breakfast in London when I ordered biscuits. I’ll bet those stuck-up French poodles with their snouts in the air use vocabulary that goes right over the head of a street mutt - rude! But, they would understand each other for the most part and be able to shoot the breeze with ease about doggy world current events.

And of course, topping the list of dog-doings (I translate here for the two legged): “Have you seen Suzanne Salvo? Do you know where she is and what she tastes like?” I’m convinced this happens because all dogs worldwide recognize me immediately– SOMEONE HAD TO TELL THEM! How else would they know me on sight (or maybe smell)? To spread the word about me on a global basis and keep interest in me at fevered pitch, all dogs must bark the same language!

So besides being germ and insect ridden, and besides having horrible eating etiquette and carrying some of the worst odors I've ever encountered, dogs must be the biggest blabber-mouths on the planet. Rover may not have internet access yet, but (like Yankees) they do have very loud voices and they obviously (again like Yankees) enjoy the sound of their own voices repeating the same information over and over and OVER again – for hours on end if they sense I’m nearby. “She’s here! I can smell her! I want to rip her throat out!” She’s here! I can smell her! I want to rip her throat out!”. ALL NIGHT LONG.

I don’t think I’m barking up the wrong tree with this one-language, dogs communicate-over-long-distances theory. There was a documentary a few years back on canines, produced by a well respected, world renowned film company. In it, dogs are actually shown relaying information between breeds and across hundreds of miles.

Maybe some of you saw it ...... 101 Dalmatians.