I’ve stayed in some horrible places in the world, to-wit: A dilapidated trailer inhabited by giant spiders in the jungle of Bolivia. A sandbag-reinforced bunker in Baghdad where the sound of incoming missiles kept us awake all night. But nothing and nowhere has been as bad as where I am right now. That’s right, WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF HOME REMODELING HELL.
The first step in the process was ours alone and really, really hard. We had to literally touch every single thing in this house and put it into one of three giant G piles: Goes to Italy, Garage sell or Garbage. This was at first very confusing because we were labeling ALL the boxes G.
1. Thou shall first reek havoc and total destruction throughout the kingdom.
2. Thou shalt not clean thy boots nor thy hands so all will know of thine passing.
3. Thou shalt not arrive when promised nor verily thine supplies.
4. Lo, though the rains may die away, be there but a single cloud in the heavens cease thine labors and seek ye repose.
5. Spake not the words of the infidels but only the one true tongue of the Construction Gods: solo habla espanol.
6. Thy kingdom come but not the carpet guy.
7. Honor thine union and change not yonder light bulb without a licensed electrician.
8. Ask not what your contractor can do for you, but what you can feed the crew for lunch.
9. Seek and ye shall find, ask for the tiniest change and the price shall double.
10. To err is human, to plumb divine.
For the past 5 days we have had no hot water, no shower, no dishwasher, no stove and for several days no toilet. I confess that several times I have gone shopping just so I could pee in peace without construction workers just a piece of sheetrock away. Fortunately we have been on the road off and on through most of it. We joke about how nice it is to “go back home” to our normal hotel living.
The granite guy was a shifty weasel but I adore the detailed precision of Mattao, our cute little painter. The new tile looks beautiful and I’m hopeful that one day we really will be able to use our bathroom again.
WE SHALL OVERCOME!
Or in the words of some unknown optimist: TRIUMPH is just try with a little umph added.